ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
