I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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