WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
