Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
