to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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