This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
