i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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