I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
