Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
