On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
sarcasm needs its own font
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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