i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
