I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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