I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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