I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
