dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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