Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
