a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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