Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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