No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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