my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
