my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
