The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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