Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
