What a fucking waste of an outfit
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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