Your face is a jimmy john
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
