some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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