Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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