Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
