my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
