they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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