I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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