I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
