it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
