I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
