we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
