I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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