I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
