I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
BRING THE BAGELS
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
