True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
