dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
