take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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