Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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