I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
