He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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