i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
