real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
