i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They have beer where we have blood.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
