if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
