Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
