his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
