I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
