So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
